There was fitness testing in PE, but luckily, we didn’t do all the intense stuff today – just measured our weight and height, and ran Gold Run in pool laps, which is longer than what it usually is. In Chinese, we got into groups and was assigned a video project! It’s supposed to be fun and I’m really looking forward to it. Lit, however, is usually the class I adore, but today wasn’t so nice. Well, it was nice, but I don’t like the stuff we’re doing. We have an In-Class essay on Thursday, and tonight’s homework was to write a self assessment, which is always annoying. Lunch was fun, as always, though I mostly stressed about Bio the next period. When the bell rang, I was so nervous. In Bio, we had a huge oral exam. Since we wanted to get it over with, we decided to volunteer. It actually wasn’t so bad, but I still felt extremely nervous, but at least I think I answered all the questions correctly. Our teacher is terrible anyway, but at least he grades fairly. In math, we got our tests back – I got a 32/36 on my last chapter test! On Wednesday, we have a review session, and if we go, we get 3 extra points, so that’ll make my grade become 35/36, which is a 97%, or an A+. I’m quite proud, quite proud. In speech&debate after school, we ditched practice (even though competition is in a month) and played telephone charades! I had to do the Michael Jackson pelvic thrust&hat touch in front of everybody though, it was embarrassing.

Off to homework now~~

Heheh! I love how there’s so few things that I’m unfamiliar with. I’m not Japanese, but all that anime watching has really sharpened my skills. Plus, I’m proud to say that I’m really good and fast at learning different languages. >:)

I have a party/hangout/Rockband on Wednesday at my friend’s new house. It’s really close to my house now, so I can just walk there with my other friends who live near me. I like the summer, I like how my mom lets me go wherever I want on the weekdays, as long as she doesn’t have to send me anywhere. It’s a totally new kind of freedom that I haven’t experienced before. Now I just have to tell her where I’m going and I don’t have to be afraid that she won’t let me. Even if she does, there’s not much she can do when she’s not home to chain me to the house.

I’ve found that I haven’t been lonely nowadays. Last week’s vacation at Universal Studios and the cruise to Mexico was amazing. It was a real change of atmosphere, though I really missed my violin at home. I even got a silver trumpet necklace to stay with me whenever I’m away from my instruments. Though I don’t play trumpet (my dad used to, so we do have a real trumpet), I find that it really pulls on some great memories. They didn’t sell any violin necklaces and the piano one broke too easily, so I ended up with a great trumpet. I don’t regret it.

Music has really changed me.

I haven’t been on here for a long time, I guess. I honestly doubt anyone’s actually reading this; this is just a blog where I do some of my….venting. I don’t think I’ve been on since Yosemite..? Oh well maybe after that, but it’s a long story. These past few months have been mayhem.

But I’m not here to talk about that stuff. Yes, graduation was wonderful, everyone was beautiful, we all cried, I won some prizes, yeah it was great. Summer has started, I went to VBS and I’m leaving for a Mexico cruise on Saturday, but we’re going to Universal Studios first (though I wanted to go to Disneyland). School starts in August, can’t say I’m not excited, but I’m also kinda worried I won’t get through.

But this is a hard summer for me to deal with. I’m starting to feel that some of my friends are pulling away, forgetting about me. There’s this one friend in particular; he’s not going to the same school as us next year and we’ll all miss him. We all thought we were great friends, but it’s now obvious that he was the one holding our group together. I hate to admit it, but that’s the truth. I’m really scared that we’ll all fall apart next year without him. It scares me, it really does.

I was really hoping to hang out with all my friends this summer, but everything just seemed to have failed. My friends who aren’t overseas apparently don’t think I’m worth inviting to their little pool parties, or rather, to anything. I’m not saying I don’t like the friends that actually do like inviting me, it’s just that I thought we were all one big group; one big family. I thought we were closer than that. I thought we would automatically think of eachother when we mention hanging out, I thought everybody was included. I know I’m guilty too, for hanging out with specific people in our group sometimes, but that’s just for a random movie we don’t want to watch alone and our parents don’t cooperate. So yes, I know how that feels. But still, isn’t a pool party something we should all go to together? Okay, maybe some of our houses are a little farther away, maybe we don’t want to make this all complicated, maybe some people don’t have a ride, yeah. I get it. Those are just excuses. I’m not saying all of us have to go to the actual hang out.

I’m just saying that once in a while, a girl can get lonely and an invitation wouldn’t be so bad, you know? At least she knows they thought of her.

-__________________________-

And then I’ve got a speech to make in English. Damn you.

Plus, it’s got to be memorized. I mean, what the poo is up with that? I hate memorizing stuff. I didn’t even read it after I printed it out on Sunday. -_-

Sigh.

So much drama and stuff at school. And school’s almost out, just 2 more weeks. I’m going shopping with my friends tomorrow after school for Grad shoes and things. I’m going to get a beautiful pair of flats.

These days have been so stressed. My back hurts. I have a hell of a sore throat, my neck totally died today (I think it’s because I slept with my stuffed ducky last night for the first time in weeks), but at least I didn’t have a huge stomach ache like I did yesterday.

It was horrible. Like, I’m not even joking horrible. It sucked.

I think it was food poisoning or something because I poo-ed out all I could possibly poo, but it still hurt. And it wasn’t like a cramp. It was like…hurt hurt. Yeah and I don’t have my dot. But I reckon it’s coming soon. Dayam.

So anyways. I want to sleep. I’m nervous for my speech tomorrow and my terribly horribly stupid 25% of my grade damn fooging crapping pooping History test. -__- I’m gonna fail that stupid baby.

Oh baby.

Sigh.

I had a boyfriend. I don’t remember who it was, but he was gorgeous and very fine indeed. It was a long dream, but I only remember this one part. My boyfriend and I were somewhere, probably the library or something, but we were there and we were sitting on beanbags. I was reading a book and he was doing something, and then suddenly a girl from my church came up to him and laid down in his chest and rested her head on his shoulder. I got so pissed, but I ignored them, pretending I was still reading. What’s worse was that he put an arm around her and she started telling him about all her troubles and shit and I was ready to just blow my top. But THEN, she started telling him about how horrible I was and how stupid and retarded and ugly I was and how he could ever date someone like me, and that’s when I just cracked.

I ripped her hair out, like literally, ripped it out. And I punched and slapped and basically wedgied everything that could be wedgied and kicked and cannonballed on her. And I swore at her like every other syllable and I honestly think I could have killed her.

And that is what scares me.

This girl in real life is not a bad person. She’s actually really nice and cute, and I guess I’ve just always been really jealous of her. I mean, I love my life and I really think I’ll grow up to be a very influencial person. I hope to be respected and looked at nicely and being acknowledged by everyone for my talents.

And yet, this one girl. I looked at her Facebook page again today. My murderous instinct instantly came back when I saw her picture. It wasn’t as strong of course, but it was there. I really hope I don’t go berserk this Sunday when I see her at church.

It ended with me crying my eyes out, which I’m currently trying to stop right now. I knew it was a bad idea from the start.

I told my grandparents my dream of becoming a singer. A singer in Korea. No, it’s not because of the hot guys and the fame. It’s because I believe that this is where I belong and this is where my mark in the world would stay. And on the bonus side, I think I have a beautiful voice, thank you very much. (this sentence sounds familiar. like I typed it before or something.) My language arts teacher once made up this word, except I forgot what it was. But it basically meant that every person should belong to wherever he or she is is best at. For example, if you’re good at piano, you should be a piano teacher or performer or composer or whatever. Basically, if you’re working at the area of your expertise, you are benefitting everybody. That’s what I think about myself as a singer.

Anyways. So I told them. And immediately, my grandma hopped into telling me what kind of classes I have to take in college and my grandpa was like O_____O NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Figures.

So I proceed to tell them that all I’ve got to do is pass the auditions and they’ll take care of the rest. Easy. And I said that given the chance, I’ll definitely get myself through the gates of those big companies.

They take it all in and the test comes. They tell me to sing.

Now I don’t know about you, but singing has always been a touchy subject for me. I was always embarrassed to sing in front of my parents. My brother occasionally was all right, but parents? No. Definitely not. Grandparents? HELL NO.

So they tell me to sing. And to make it worse, my mom, whose never heard me sing, comes into the room. So I’ve got my grandparents on the phone, mom and brother on the bed, and me sitting there like an idiot.

And after many, what felt like hours, of thinking, I finally told myself that if I want to become a singer, I’ve got to do this. So I finally start singing f(x)’s Krystal and Luna’s duet, You Are My Destiny. I started from the chorus and it was going well until the second verse. I just broke.

My mom was tapping my brother’s foot lightly, along with my voice, but it bothered me so bad. I am not even joking, but it was ridiculously annoying and I just broke down after that. I turned around and screamed at their faces. I said a quick and angry ‘bye’ to the phone and slammed it down and tore out of the room along with my music sheets.

I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it is to me. It is so important for me to break through this…this fright. I have to. And I almost did. But that tapping…it ruined me. It ruined me so bad, just thinking about it is making me cry again.

What hurts me the most isn’t this though. It’s because I don’t think anybody knows how important and precious singing is to me. It’s my dream.

You know, the world is filled with hypocrites. Everybody is a hypocrite and we all blame each other for it. But society is just plain evil. We all teach our kids or students that you must have a goal, a dream, and it’s okay to think about your future. But really? Really now? Is that it? Because everytime I try to have a serious conversation about my dream, my future, my goal, it always comes out as, “Tch. You’ll never make it. You really think you can do that? Ha. You should just focus on your studies and get into a good college.”

Is this world such a bad liar? Einstein once said that imagination is more important than knowledge. I mean, if you’re not going to listen to me, you might as well listen to the geniuses. I am SICK of people telling me I can’t do it, I can’t make it, I’m horrible and I should just get all A’s, get into a good college, and then think about everything else. But what they don’t understand is that not all things need a “good college” degree. It’s not like I get a B in math and the world’s over.

That career thing in Advisory is a joke. They honestly don’t care if you become a top model or a sewer cleaner. They just do it so people would perhaps enjoy that stupid class a little more. But I go home and all I hear is, “Stop daydreaming and do your math”, “You can’t do it. Just give up”, “You’ll never become one of them. You’re lacking in so much. Stop thinking about the impossible”.

I am just so sick of it. I don’t want people there to tell me what I can’t do when I can do it, I just don’t want to show them. They always just assume that I’m useless, that my B in math is gonna get me to hell.

Stop. Just stop.

They don’t understand how much my dreams mean to me. I’ve been taught that life is too short to do something you hate. But when I tell them what I actually do want to do, they just blow it off like it doesn’t matter anymore. It matters. It matters to me and holy fuck, I don’t give a damn if it matters to them. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life and hell yeah I’m gonna do it.

Just you wait, bitch faces. When I get famous, don’t go around telling people you know me.

Yes, it’s me being totally unasian. But the lyrics are just really….

Naturally, I went to go help out. Most of my friends were already in track&field, so there was only a few left to do volunteering with me. We helped out with high jump and dude, I’ve realized how sucky we girls are. The highest I believe was 4’4” for the ladies. For the guys…the highest was 4’8”.

Seriously, what are these people smokin’? Really? 4’8”? Hell, that’s almost as tall as I am (5’4”, but I think I may have seriously grown a few centimeters the past few months). These people are major..jumpers. And they are so freaking tall, I am not even joking.

I’ve realized something sad today about one of my friends. He’s a super fast dude who is just so fast, he’s like….just really really really fast. And he loves what he does, which is totally extra bonus points. All this time, I thought I had possibly the worst family to be born into. Mom and Dad never speak, Dad comes home at 1AM and sleeps at 3, Mom couldn’t care less about him, brother is the biggest brat ever and just seems to “lose” money all the time, and both my parents are against my dreams to become a singer, which I find extra-emely annoying. But today, I’ve witnessed myself that there’s someone out there that’s close to me that’s probably in a worse situation than I am. He’s got 2 older sisters, one who’s in college and is just a total hands down bitch face, another who’s in high school and blames him for everything (and by that, I mean everything, even when it’s a good thing. that is so lame.), his mom constantly puts him down about everything he loves to do and is good at (track, band, etc.), his parents are giving eachother an eternal silent treatment like mine, it seems like everyone in his family ignores him most of the time (being the only guy kid AND the youngest, I can’t imagine how stupid you must feel all the time), and to top it all off, he’s moving to a different high school next year. He’s been desperatly trying to move back into the district, but there just aren’t enough open houses. I found an open house in my area the other day, but it was teeny. Like, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom teeny. I’ve realized that this is going to be my last year with him. I love him and I’m just going to have to suck it up and love him more until he’s gone.

Or, I can help look at open houses before the new school year. Yeah, I think I like this idea better.

But I do have To Her by 2AM/Chansung stuck in my head. And 2PM’s new song Without U is perrrtty good. Junsu(: Hehe. But really, they’ve got to stop with the Taecyeon-ripping-off-shirt thing. Like yeah, he’s got yummy looking abs, but come on. At least get someone else to do it. Like Junsu. Hahahahaha.

One of my teeth have been excessively bothering me. The gum behind it feels like it’s rotting, but it’s healed a lot since this morning. Still, it’s pretty annoying, since the tooth is all loose and I’m starting to panic because I do NOT want a fake tooth. Especially at my amazing young youth age. Even so.

I’m depressed to death by DBSK. How can they just split like that? Yeah I know they haven’t “officially” split yet, but forming their own unit is like saying, “Oh yeah, we’re ditching you bitches now. Buh Bye and have a good life(:” . T______T Honestly saying, Jaejoong, Junsu, and Yoochun probably could make more money than Changmin and Yunho, but really. They’re D.B.S.K. That means FIVE people and NOT 3 and NOT 2. 5-3=0. 5-2=0. If the 3 assholes start calling themselves DBSK, I swear I’m gonna go over there and bomb their houses. And their cars. Which is a shame because I’ve taken a liking to Jaejoong’s Audi. But still. They really shouldn’t. There’s nothing we can do though…except wait and keep the faith that everything will be fine. SIgh. REALLY DUDES COME ON SEE SOME SENSE. BREAKING AWAY IS NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE. GOD DAMMIT.

Okay.