Music.
I just had a call with my grandparents way there in China.
It ended with me crying my eyes out, which I’m currently trying to stop right now. I knew it was a bad idea from the start.
I told my grandparents my dream of becoming a singer. A singer in Korea. No, it’s not because of the hot guys and the fame. It’s because I believe that this is where I belong and this is where my mark in the world would stay. And on the bonus side, I think I have a beautiful voice, thank you very much. (this sentence sounds familiar. like I typed it before or something.) My language arts teacher once made up this word, except I forgot what it was. But it basically meant that every person should belong to wherever he or she is is best at. For example, if you’re good at piano, you should be a piano teacher or performer or composer or whatever. Basically, if you’re working at the area of your expertise, you are benefitting everybody. That’s what I think about myself as a singer.
Anyways. So I told them. And immediately, my grandma hopped into telling me what kind of classes I have to take in college and my grandpa was like O_____O NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Figures.
So I proceed to tell them that all I’ve got to do is pass the auditions and they’ll take care of the rest. Easy. And I said that given the chance, I’ll definitely get myself through the gates of those big companies.
They take it all in and the test comes. They tell me to sing.
Now I don’t know about you, but singing has always been a touchy subject for me. I was always embarrassed to sing in front of my parents. My brother occasionally was all right, but parents? No. Definitely not. Grandparents? HELL NO.
So they tell me to sing. And to make it worse, my mom, whose never heard me sing, comes into the room. So I’ve got my grandparents on the phone, mom and brother on the bed, and me sitting there like an idiot.
And after many, what felt like hours, of thinking, I finally told myself that if I want to become a singer, I’ve got to do this. So I finally start singing f(x)’s Krystal and Luna’s duet, You Are My Destiny. I started from the chorus and it was going well until the second verse. I just broke.
My mom was tapping my brother’s foot lightly, along with my voice, but it bothered me so bad. I am not even joking, but it was ridiculously annoying and I just broke down after that. I turned around and screamed at their faces. I said a quick and angry ‘bye’ to the phone and slammed it down and tore out of the room along with my music sheets.
I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it is to me. It is so important for me to break through this…this fright. I have to. And I almost did. But that tapping…it ruined me. It ruined me so bad, just thinking about it is making me cry again.
What hurts me the most isn’t this though. It’s because I don’t think anybody knows how important and precious singing is to me. It’s my dream.
You know, the world is filled with hypocrites. Everybody is a hypocrite and we all blame each other for it. But society is just plain evil. We all teach our kids or students that you must have a goal, a dream, and it’s okay to think about your future. But really? Really now? Is that it? Because everytime I try to have a serious conversation about my dream, my future, my goal, it always comes out as, “Tch. You’ll never make it. You really think you can do that? Ha. You should just focus on your studies and get into a good college.”
Is this world such a bad liar? Einstein once said that imagination is more important than knowledge. I mean, if you’re not going to listen to me, you might as well listen to the geniuses. I am SICK of people telling me I can’t do it, I can’t make it, I’m horrible and I should just get all A’s, get into a good college, and then think about everything else. But what they don’t understand is that not all things need a “good college” degree. It’s not like I get a B in math and the world’s over.
That career thing in Advisory is a joke. They honestly don’t care if you become a top model or a sewer cleaner. They just do it so people would perhaps enjoy that stupid class a little more. But I go home and all I hear is, “Stop daydreaming and do your math”, “You can’t do it. Just give up”, “You’ll never become one of them. You’re lacking in so much. Stop thinking about the impossible”.
I am just so sick of it. I don’t want people there to tell me what I can’t do when I can do it, I just don’t want to show them. They always just assume that I’m useless, that my B in math is gonna get me to hell.
Stop. Just stop.
They don’t understand how much my dreams mean to me. I’ve been taught that life is too short to do something you hate. But when I tell them what I actually do want to do, they just blow it off like it doesn’t matter anymore. It matters. It matters to me and holy fuck, I don’t give a damn if it matters to them. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life and hell yeah I’m gonna do it.
Just you wait, bitch faces. When I get famous, don’t go around telling people you know me.
